My friend Rachel just sent me this link with the following article--the real way to prepare for nursing. Her timing couldn't have been better. Just what I needed tonight, a little humor about a not so humorous (to me at least) topic. It's pretty funny, take a look.
http://www.parenting.com/article/suck-it-the-real-way-to-prep-for-nursing
Day 1
Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2
At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.
Day 3
Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
Day 4
Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5
Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6
Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."
Day 7
Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9
Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.
Day 10
Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11
Go someplace public -- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building -- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12
Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.
Melissa Balmain, a freelance writer living in Blacksburg, Virginia, is a two-baby nursing veteran.
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12 comments:
Ha! Ha! Ha! And oh so true. It's a sad life we mothers live.
For me, I had to push through the first 2-3 weeks of nursing. Those are the worst. After that, it gets much, much better. Not as painful, quicker and easier.
I only nurse for 6 months. (and sometimes I think that's too long ;) It's a big commitment. Don't feel like you have to be in it for a full year. 3 months, 6 months, a year... whatever you can do will work just fine.
That is funny. Easy to relate to it, like Amy said those first two weeks are the hardest! And now going on 6 months it is easy in comparison... but still going through some of those things pumping, having 3 different sized bras... you know, stuff like that. I will say now, when Brynn pulls away nursing to laugh or smile up at me, it is the sweetest thing! Good luck those Alise! Thinkin about you.
Very funny, and with my first one, definitely true. They forgot day 12 "tether yourself to the couch for 20 minutes every two hours". It gets better after 2 weeks but it also gets better with each child. I'm one to stick it out for a full year usually so I don't have to buy formula. Good luck.
Hilarious! Especially since I'm in those moments. :) I was just thinking a few days ago about how it's even WAY easier (and about half the time, thank goodness!) now that I'm 3 months into it. Maybe I struggled a little longer than most people though because I was still majorly frustrated with it at 2 weeks. I hope everything is going well! Can't wait to see some pictures and hear about little Olivia!
Hey congrats on your little girl. Doug and I both enjoyed this...I think one should be added....put rocks in socks and hang them from your chest, b/c once you've stopped that's all that's left.
I've got no words except for hang in there!
I laughed to TEARS!! THAT IS SO DANG FUNNY AND THE A B S O L U T E TRUTH. It just really hit home since you know I'm still there. It does get easier and I think it's totally worth it. I think it keeps the pace of my life slow which I think is so much better for Chase.
haha I was totally laughing out loud at these as they are very relevant to me right now! These might have to go up on my blog as well...
I just got the giggles SO bad. It's all way too true! Just remember it gets SO much better after the 3rd or 4th week. You can do it!
i cannot stop laughing. THank you for this! Hope you and baby are doing well.
HA! I am in the thick of this and totally get it! :) ...and now you are back into this too! I hope that it is going well for you and little Olivia. I can't wait to see more pictures of her! Lots of love!
PS I would be flattered to have you "pin" by little clock idea. Thanks for liking it. :)
too funny! I hope it's going better than that for you! Thinking of you often...
Hahahahaahaha! That is hilarious and SO TRUE! The first few days were the worst; I guess my first babe wasn't sucking the right way during the first few feedings in the hospital, which resulted in the feedings the first week or two being excruciatingly painful, basically reopening healing wounds every feeding. I remember just clutching the side of my chair every 2-3 hours as she started each feeding and trying to endure the pain as my legs instinctively raised in the air as I grimaced in pain for the first minute or so. The things we do as mothers! :) I hope this time around is going better for you!
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